Frightened

Something happened that while wasn’t totally unexpected; it was jarring and, apparently, has triggered some deep feelings of fear inside of me. My husband lost his full-time job yesterday. ‘Conflict of Interest’ was what he was told.  I get it. He gets it, but neither one of us expected it to happen like this and certainly not NOW.

Trinity has long had a dream of being self-employed and he started his own part-time A/V business in 2011 (www.trinspin.com). His goal has always been to provide exemplary customer service and that tenet wasn’t always in harmony with his previous employer.  This is nothing against his employer – not at all – this speaks to my husband’s personal and spiritual growth and wanting to do more, be more and deliver more.

When he told me the news, I panicked. Maybe not my finest moment for being there for my husband. You know how it goes, money – although the Guys say it’s ‘just an illusion’, that ‘illusion’ pays the mortgage and the daycare and our health insurance.  Sometimes I want to tell the Guys I’ve got their ‘illusion’ right HERE!

I had to sit for a moment and ask myself what was really going on with me. Not an easy thing to do when my face has lost all of its blood and I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. I’m being a bit dramatic, but here’s what was going on in my mind.

Immediately, not unlike the rest of you, I jump to the absolute worst-case scenario.  For me, among other things, that means….uhh…. leaving Inner Focus Reiki and going back to Corporate America (insert gagging sound). That’s giving up a job I adore and love so I can do something I don’t love and adore all for a paycheck. I’d do it. I’d absolutely do it if it meant health insurance, food on the table and a roof over our head. You bet your sweet arse I’d do it.  But I don’t want to!

You’d think me being an intuitive, I could just tap into some of the Guy’s knowledge and make this all go bubb-bye. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, at least not when I’m in a snit. When things are messy in my head, I can’t see/hear straight and even though the Guys may be yelling to me that “all is well” it doesn’t FEEL well.   I doubt what I am hearing and I don’t trust myself to be a clear channel.

After going back and forth as to if I should call Susie (I, um, don’t like to ask for help), I called and said, “I’m frightened. Please help me. Lie to me if you have to, but I can’t get clear and I’m really, REALLY frightened.” True to our friendship, she said what I felt in my heart; yes, everything was going to turn out beautifully and soon.  Just hearing her calming voice validate what I thought I knew was reassuring. My rabbit breathing started to return to quasi-normal.

After having a chance to get a dang grip (kind of), I reflected that we had financially prepared for this. We can’t go very long without the type of income he envisions, but we can make things work short term.  My husband has already been pro-active on finding health insurance and ways to keep his family fed. And, last but not least, Trinity has never let me down. Not once. He made a promise to my dad that he would always take care of me and he has never gone back on that.  In reality, he’s taken care of himself for a lifetime. He’s rolled with the punches and made beautiful things out of crappy-crap. He knows what needs to be done and he’s so got this. I’ll do whatever I can to assist but I’ve got to trust and that, my friends, is the reality of it all.

We visited more about things and Trinity admitted that he was frightened. Part of me was like, “NO! I’m frightened! You can’t be. You’re the man, you have to tell me everything is going to be resplendent!”  Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!! Sheesh! Obviously I am still working on feeling less like a child and more like an adult. (See my Abuse blog for reference).

But then a part of me said, “Melissa. Can you imagine how your sweet husband is feeling? He IS the breadwinner of this family and has always been the provider for his families. I bet he’s feeling like he was punched in the gut and like he’s under the proverbial gun. He knows you abhor the thought of going back to Corporate America and he’s already told you he’s trying to get some income rolling in, etc. This is happening to HIM and maybe he’s feeling the overwhelming stress of it all.  What can you do for him?”

Gulp. I like that side of me better. ;-)

With that, I focused on the positives. I even had a tish bit of my humor return. I found myself wondering if I could reuse toilet paper or even ‘spare a square’ here and there.  Hey! I’m so not even kidding! This little girl knows how to be thrifty.

My honey was out the door by 7:30 this morning with a whole list of things to do and people to see/contact. His parting comment was, “I’m kind of excited!” and I believe him. I’m taking his excitement and  trying to work on getting my flip-flapping frightened FREAK OUT-ON under control. Breathing here……..breathing……..

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